It almost feels strange to me because I am in a relationship with a guy, yet most of the time, I am always by myself. It's been 6 months since we started to date. I remember we did spent more time together before, but we just kind of start fading away now. He starts to forget about how to be that sweet guy he used to be. We rarely see each other. Sometimes, once a week. Sometimes, he leaves me wonder if we are still together...
I called. No answer. No call back. No messages. Nothing. Zero.
I was listening "Sensible Heart" on the bus today, it's a song he likes, watching everything pass quickly by the bus. It's getting dark...
I questioned myself, I doubted about myself if it was enough for him just to be someone that really cares about him. Well, I have the answer now. It was not enough. Actually I feel it doesn't even matter to him. It wasn't what he really needs. He already forgot how to open his heart and let someone in...I guess...we all forgot how to let our guard down and just truly love and be loved.
We make love but there is no love. We only see the emptiness inside each other.
The more we spend time apart, the more I feel we are living in different worlds. We are completely different from each other and wants totally different things in life. He doesn't really need me there to be a part of his life. That's the truth I see right in front of me right now. It upsets me a lot. I try to ignore it. I try very very hard to not feel it, to not let anyone break me down again. I am learning from my mistake and try not to care about him more than myself. I try not to fall in love with anyone.
I don't think I want to believe in love again. It has scared me too deep. People are just too used to lie about their feelings to each other now.
If you can't even open the lock to your own heart, how do you open others'? It's a question for him, also for me...
I feel...miserable to be in a situation with him like this. When a guy spends more time with his friends than with his girlfriend, I think he's just not into you anymore. Also he's scared to let you get too close to him.
Again, I "slapped" myself in the face because I made the same mistake again. I always give in too fast. And that makes me think...if I am a jerk to the guy, he might actually want me more and eventually fall in love with me. It sounds funny to me also. People just don't want the easy way to fall in love. They are always, ALWAYS looking for the hard way. The harder it is to get, the more they want to have it...
Well...where am I standing right now then? Treating by a jerk? or just looking for a hard way to fall in love? or a jerk? or none of the above?!
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